I miss him and I didn't even know him.
I read in an email once that "No matter what your relationship is with your parents, you will still miss them when they are gone. " I have agreed with this statement ever since I have read it, but even more so, now that my father has been gone for two years today. I miss him and I didn't even know him. At times, it doesn't feel like he is gone, because he always lived so far away and was always a phone call away, but all I have to do is remember the two emotional, draining, and spiritual days I spent by his side before he left this earth, then I know he is gone. I am grateful for the last five weeks of his life that I got to spend with him and help take care of him. I feel I got to know him just a little bit in this life, even though I feel like I was robbed because he was taken at such a young age. I am also grateful that he took the iniative to come back into my life 9 1/2 years ago when I was pregnant with Jeremy. My parents got divorced when I was six, and when I was 7 1/2, he moved to Hawaii and basically stopped being my father. I think he tried for the first few years, but eventally gave up on his children. How sad for us because we never had a father, but how lucky for his grandchildren that they had a far away grandpa who spoiled them rotten. I know he was a better grandfather than he was a father. Even though he wasn't a good father, I forgave him and told him so on his birthday earlier that year. He didn't even know that he had lung cancer at that time. I am so grateful for the power of forgiveness, because when it came time to call people to tell them that he was dying, he called me first. He trusted me enough to be the bearer of bad news for everyone. That was some difficult calls to make. I was also the only child who was by his side the last two days of his life. My siblings seemed to be afraid to go near him. I personally think they were or are afraid of death. I am so grateful for the gospel and the plan of salvation. It allowed me to have the strength for me and my siblings. Well, I appreciate all that has read this post. It's just a way for me to get my feelings out about this day as it was a difficult one 2 years ago, but only a sad and insightful one today. I hope everyone has a great weekend!
posted by Holly | 10:00 AM
4 Comments:
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Thanks Sara! I could sure use a hug right about now. I appreciate your concerns and I am glad that you are at peace with your grandma's passing. I am too with my father. I don't know if my dad is watching over me because he didn't do it while on earth, but I feel other loved ones watching over me. Those are the ones that truly cared and loved me while they were here on this earth.
I would put my arms around you right now and give you a big squeeze, if I could.
I was privileged, 2 years ago, to do a little bit of helping my grandmother as she was preparing to pass away and go to heaven.
I, too, lately have been having feelings of "Oh, I can give her a call", and then realizing, "No I can't, she's gone." And the wistful sadness of missing her, and yet the joy of knowing she is not in pain anymore.
So in that way I can sympathize with you, although I can't begin to imagine what it was like to grow up without a father. I can understand a little bit of it through reading and feeling through your descriptions.
I feel my grandma watching over me, (edited it out since I may have offended).
I hope you are ok on this anniversary, and am glad you could share your feelings and thoughts.
Seems crazy that it has been that long. I have mixed feelings about him, being his Son-in-law, but never knowing him. I'm grateful to him for bringing you into the world though! I love you!
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